If Jasper O’Leary excelled at one thing when it came to junk food, he was clearly the king. In his teens he found less healthy things for his plate. He’d eat butter with lard and drink vinegar straight! And this is when Jasper got really bizarre. Like eating car tyres dipped in piping hot tar. His reputation for junk food just couldn’t be tarnished. Like Jackhammer soup with a barbed wire garnish. His doctor said: “Son, let us pray for your health.” So he tried salad once… but it just burned his mouth! So he stuck with the junk, and made a new goal. To swallow an oil tanker’s cargo hold whole! The day that he died saw a closed cemetery. “This is no place for old Jasper O’Leary!” So they took him elsewhere on that night cold and grim. To the outskirts of town. To a place just for him. Yes, they took him elsewhere. Then they read his last rites. It’s the junkyard where Jasper now spends his nights.